


Making a Splash

by ExtraPenguin



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Gen, Horrible Goose (Untitled Goose Game), Mass Effect 1, Missions Gone Wrong, Space Travel Mishap Leaves Characters Stranded On Planet Full Of Geese
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:48:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26361427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExtraPenguin/pseuds/ExtraPenguin
Summary: On a mission on Presrop, Shepard rams the thresher maw with the Mako with unexpected consequences.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9
Collections: We Die Like Fen 4: We Lived to Die Afen, We die afen and afen





	Making a Splash

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ziskandra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ziskandra/gifts).



"Could you please drive in a straight line? It's hard to shoot when we're oscillating in three directions," Garrus called from the Mako's gun turret.

"I am _trying_ not to get overrun by the thresher maw," Shepard grumbled. "Or do you want to get flipped over again?"

Tali snorted in her suit and continued fixing the shield generator. Normally, it'd recharge on its own if given time away from battering, but being thrown in a wide arc across Presrop's rocky landscape only to land upside down on a jagged ridge didn't exactly improve generator performance. Tali suspected she'd have to get out of the Mako to do proper maintenance on them.

At least her suit hadn't cracked. Garrus said he'd taken some bruising, and Shepard... Well. Her driving was just as bad as always.

"Shields at thirty percent," Tali declared as the generator sparked back to life.

"Good job," Shepard said.

"Could you drive in a straight line now, please?" Garrus asked from the turret.

Shepard was silent for a moment. Tali saw her life flash in front of her eyes, and then Shepard declared, "Ramming speed!"

"Shepard, no!" Tali and Garrus chorused.

Tali saw her life flash in front of her eyes again. Maybe Garrus could actually shoot the thresher maw to bits before they hit. Or Sheperd would miss. Or-

The whole Mako shook with the impact. Tali winced and braced for the thresher maw's inevitable retaliation.

It never came. "Is it dead?" she asked.

"Uh... you better come look," Shepard replied.

Tali had been under the impression that there were only two possible answers; _yes_ and _no_. If it was _no_ , or there was some uncertainty, Garrus should be shooting it or Shepard indulging in her desire to melee things by driving back and forth over the still-twitching corpse. If it was _yes_ , then Shepard should back away a bit and let them take a breather to repair the Mako. If the answer was that they'd suddenly portaled into one of those zombie things humans were so fond of, then Shepard should drive the hell away so that they could travel back to the actual real universe where things didn't come back after they were killed.

She walked to the front, hearing Garrus drop down from the turret behind her. Shepard sat in her Vanguard armor in the driver's seat, hands loose on the steering wheel and her hair coming loose from its bun, as she stared through the intact windscreen at-

"Is there any precedent of space travel through thresher maw collisions?" Garrus asked.

Tali tried to hail the Normandy. No response.

"Not to my knowledge," Shepard said. "Uh, would either of you happen to recognize the scenery?"

Tali sat on the second chair and looked out.

The world outside was covered in green grass, like some of the human farming planets Tali had seen pictures of. A blue lake glimmered before them in warm sunlight. The sky was a clear blue, studded with the occasional round-edged cloud.

"I think we should try to find a settlement," Garrus suggested.

Shepard sighed. "Let's go outside and take a look."

The three of them got out of the Mako, Tali in her usual suit and Shepard and Garrus with their helmets on. It still amazed her that there were races that would remove their suits and breathe wild air without qualms, but at least they were being appropriately cautious now.

Her suit's sensors informed her of a slight breeze. It barely waved the tops of the grasses. The temperature was within acceptable range, so her suit's thermal controls had no trouble adjusting, and nothing was detected that might compromise the integrity of her suit. As far as planets went, she'd seen worse.

"Do you see anything alive?" Shepard asked.

Tali sent out a drone to scan while Garrus looked around through the scope of his rifle. Her drone skimmed over towards the lake, beaming back the visual and various other data.

Some sort of white _thing_ hopped out of the grasses at the lakeshore and honked. Tali jumped involuntarily. She forwarded the visual to the others' HUDs.

"What's that?" Garrus asked.

"A goose!" Shepard said, more thrilled than she had any right to be. "Looks like a domesticated one, too. There should be a human settlement here somewhere. Come!"

Tali looked at Garrus. He shrugged. She shrugged back, and they followed Shepard down towards the lake.

There was an incline to the terrain, and it was bumpy. Tali always hated that – hated the alien sensation of anything other than spaceship and corridors beneath her feet, hated tripping on the uneven ground – but it was apparently some inherent feature of planets, so she'd had to deal with it when her pilgrimage brought her down a gravity well.

"Hey," Shepard said. She was waving at a goose.

It honked. Tali wasn't sure what Shepard had been expecting.

"Is this some sort of human ritual?" Garrus asked. "Can it lead us to a village?"

"I'm not sure," Shepard said. "I grew up on ships and stations, remember? They don't exactly keep geese in the Alliance military."

Tali listened with half an ear to Shepard and Garrus debate something about these geese and whether or not Shepard counted as a goose expert, or if the thing was even a goose in the first place. All because Shepard had decided to work through her unit being slaughtered by a thresher maw on Akuze by ramming one and then teleported them and the Mako to some unknown world.

More geese turned up, all insistently honking at them. "Maybe they're sentient?" Tali suggested. She had her drone turn its sensors on one of them. Fully organic rather than geth in disguise, no matches on the limited species library the drone held – no surprise, as they didn't look capable of firing a pistol. Probably no biotic powers, either.

"They're farm animals," Shepard said as yet more geese turned up, honking so loudly Tali turned off the external audio input.

"Then where's the farm?" Garrus asked. "Do human farms look this unattended?"

"As I said, I've never been on a farm," Shepard said.

Tali sighed. They'd never get anywhere like this, so they really needed to get in the Mako and drive around a bit-

The Mako rolled past her, gently picking up speed on the incline. "Uh..."

Shepard and Garrus turned to see the Mako accelerate down the slope. They watched in silence as it rolled toward the lake, picking up speed and hitting a jump that made it sail through the air. Geese fled from it.

It hit the lake with a giant splash. Tali felt herself frozen to place, watching air bubble to the surface of the lake.

The geese all started running around them, flapping their wings. Toggling the sound back on revealed them to be honking in triumph as they fled the scene of the crime.

After the geese left, it was oddly quiet. The bubbles stopped rising, leaving behind only a shimmering lake surface.

" _Fuck,_ " Shepard said.

"Well. That certainly was ... something."

"Now what?" Tali asked.

Shepard sighed. "I guess we're walking. Humans like water and shoreline, so let's follow the lakeshore and find out which direction is downstream."

It was as good a plan as any. Tali wondered whether "ramming a thresher maw to death can cause uncontrolled space travel" would be acceptable as something she brought back from her pilgrimage. Almost certainly not, she thought as she picked her way through the annoyingly uneven ground.

"You know, I think those geese were better drivers than you," Garrus said.

"Oh shut up," Shepard grumbled.

Well, the situation might have its numerous downsides, but her company wasn't one. And it would if nothing else be a hilarious story to tell once she returned to the Fleet.


End file.
